Aswath Krishnan

If you are a farmer, you want a high yield from your crops. But if you are not a professional, you plant trees just because. You want the tree to take root, grow, bloom, and be healthy. You don’t have expectations about how tall the tree grows, what shape it takes, or how much fruit it yields. You don’t compare it to other trees. You just want it to be, and you take joy in its being. You care, but you don’t control. You enjoy the presence, not some performance.  Unless you are a professional child-rearer, the same philosophy applies to parenting. It’s about creating the right conditions for growth rather than dictating the outcome. When you parent with this mindset, you nurture without imposing, support without shaping, and trust the natural course of development. This feels like a more fulfilling and less stressful parenting experience. Instead of anxiously measuring milestones or comparing achievements, you can simply enjoy the unfolding of your child’s unique journey and be...

I attended an inspiring talk by Robin Wall Kinmerer, author of Braiding Sweetgrass, last year. In the talk and in her book, she poignantly describes the contrast between the colonizers and her indigenous peoples’ view of the world. The settlers regarded nature as a resource, whereas they regarded the earth as a generous mother who bestows them with life and gifts. The Westerners regarded humans as occupying the top position of a pyramid, whereas they regarded all species as inter-dependent kin in a circle of life and humans being the little brothers who are new to the scene and have a lot to learn from wise elder species. The Westerners endlessly sought more and played god, while the natives learned to live harmoniously and gently, with divine reverence. This difference in mindset and the language used to describe the world and our place in it both causes and affects their relationships and behaviors. We live in a world of colonizers and are offsprings of colonizers because colonizers ...

I recently had an unpleasant experience on a deal with an organization that had an unscrupulous track record. In retrospect, I realize that's exactly what I should expect when doing a deal with the devil! I had entered the deal despite knowing and having an uneasy gut feeling about the devil's unsavory past. This is classic. Well-meaning people make deals with the devil because of a few possible reasons: (1) they don't know or assume good intent, (2) feel they don't have a choice, (3) they are tempted by the upside, (4) they think the devil's changed or they can transform the devil, (5) they think they can out-devil the devil. Almost always, they end up regretting making the deal.  Devils are cunning masters of psychology. They can appear grand, altruistic, powerful, and charming. They know how to make you feel special with sweet talks and gestures. They can character shift like chameleons. If cornered about their past, they defend, deflect, create moral ambiguity, ...

I went back to Chennai, my hometown, and visited my grandmother in December 2022. It had been a long four years since my previous visit and this was my wife, Daljit's, first time meeting my grandmother and extended family. We had planned this trip for the March of 2020, but had to be postpone because of the pandemic.  As we entered her room, her face lit up and so did mine. She greeted me fondly and then quickly chided me for losing weight and asked me to eat more and exercise well, instead of dieting. She complimented Daljit as "beuuutiful" multiple times and even conversed jovially in English. She asked me how long it's been since our marriage and then assessed that it's now time to have kids.  She was a few days shy of her 90th birthday and she seemed noticeably frailer compared to the last time, but in good spirits and lucid as always.  Then I asked her how she is doing.  She smiled, brought her hands to her chest, closed her eyes slightly, and replied, "...

Recently I have been hearing stories of conflict among friends, family members, and colleagues. The pattern is similar - one person or group behaves in a way that doesn't meet another person's or group's expectations, and they get annoyed, but most don't address it healthily, eventually creating conflicts that harm the relationship. We all have different lives and therefore expectations, perceptions, behaviors, and quirks, so these sorts of mismatches are inevitable.  You can try to reduce conflicts by lowering your expectations (be more accepting) and spending more time with those who are compatible with your expectations. But those aren't always options or foolproof, and you may miss out on the joy of healthy relationships, so you must also learn to deal with conflicts and "fight well" when they arise.  So what can you do when there's a conflict? The first question is whether you care for the relationship . If you or the other party don't care fo...

I was upset and having a particularly rough day. We were meeting a few of our close friends couples that day. Not wanting to be a downer (and likely to avoid being judged), I covered it up and put on my regular act. But I couldn’t fully hide it towards the end of the day. One of my friends noticed something was off and when we had a moment, he  asked me if I was okay and even texted me later that day. I felt loved and supported, and it helped.  People around you may be silently suffering. If you want to help, you can’t expect them to express an ask…you have to pay attention, listen closely to pick cues, and care and act thoughtfully. And that can make a big difference. 

For the first time ever, I learned the same principle in THREE different contexts on the same day! And it was surprisingly relevant for the mood I have been in over the last couple of weeks. So I'm going to memorialize it here.   In the morning , a friend shared a scene and a quote from the movie Bridge of Spies, where the character is oddly calm when he's on the verge of being sentenced to the death penalty.   “You don’t seem alarmed.” “Would it help?” “Don’t you ever worry?” “Would it help?” “You’re not worried.” Would it help?” At noon , during lunch, my workplace hosted a fireside chat with Lori Gottlieb, author of  "Maybe you should talk to someone ." That was thrilling as I'd read and enjoyed the book just a few months back. She said the person we talk most to in our life is not our spouse, kids, nor parents...it is ourselves! We do a lot of self-talk in our heads, which significantly influences how we feel, act, and think. And unfortunately, we...

Our thoughts and words can have a significant impact on ourselves and others. We should use them with intention and caution.  This is because human minds are fickle and easily programmable. Every thought you have in your head can change how you think, act, live, and feel. Everything we say can program each other and societies at large. We can easily fool ourselves and others into bad emotions, actions, and discord.   People and organizations with powerful voices or large audiences can do even more damage We often indulge in peddling nonsense, untruths or half-truths, desires, hyperbole, careless speculation, gossip, mean-spirited or negative talk. This happens in our own heads, in casual conversations with others, at work, on the internet, and in media.     We mostly do this unconsciously, because that's how our minds seem to work by default and that's what we have learned from everyone around us. Sometimes we do it intentionally for fun, to earn social currency...

I try to be a minimalist. Everything we own comes at a cost - the upfront price we pay for it (and the number of work hours that translates to), the clutter it adds to our space and mind, the complexity it adds to our life and the waste and impacts it has on the world. So I try only to buy few high-quality things that will "spark joy" and be regularly useful. That's not always fool-proof, so I also try to return, donate or trash stuff that I don't use.  So I'm not a big fan of the season of gifting. It's very wasteful. People spend hard-earned money to give you stuff you likely don't need and you have to reciprocate by giving them things they don't need. It's also hard work and stressful - you have to think/shop/wrap and also hope the receiver likes it. Then you have to find use for your stuff or stow it away somehow.  But I'm not a total grinch either. I recognize that there is joy, however short-lived, in exchanging gifts. The tradition isn...

I visited One Medical in Seattle recently for my annual physical. The clinic had tall ceilings, gentle lighting and colors, and modern decor that blended well together. It was a calming and welcoming space.  The receptionist checked me in with a warm smile and a gentle voice. In a few minutes, the doctor met me in the reception and led me to her office. She showed similar warmth and genuine care. She asked me how I have been feeling, walked me through the process, gave me heads up and asked for permission before each procedure, then explained the results along with reassuring and firm advice on how to take care of myself.  There was no medicine or treatment, but the visit had boosted my mood and wellness. I left feeling good and positive. Let me contrast this with a couple of recent experiences. Last week, I clicked on a link to Forbes or Fortune article. As soon as I scrolled down past the first paragraph, there was a pop up asking me to enter my email, then without warning, ...

Many years ago, I was trying to pick between a couple of jobs. This was my first job change and I was very confused and anxious. So I asked a few friends for their advice.  Most friends jumped to tell me to pick Job A or B because they have heard such and such about Company A or something bad about Company B etc. They didn't even ask me about the roles or offer package.  One friend, on the other hand, just asked me questions - what's different between the roles, the companies, the pros/cons that I see, what I value in my career and in my next job etc. Whenever I didn't have a clear answer, he asked more questions to help me clarify or shared some opinions. He succinctly and clearly summarized and played back my answers. He later checked in with me as well to see how I was leaning and why. He refused to give me an answer on A vs B, even when I asked for it, because he felt that it was my decision to make and his opinion may not fit my situation or goals.  The first flavor ...

We are a few months into this pandemic now. Remote work and Zoom social hangouts are the new normals and the word on the street is that they are here to stay. Video chats are functionally great - latency and quality are pretty good (well, except for the "hey, you are on mute" problem), there are good tools to collaborate well, work gets done, and most don't miss a long commute or dressing up. What I'm missing in remote work is human connection. I'm not surprised as most of us don't have any close friends who we have met only online.  Talking pictures on a screen don't evoke the same emotion and empathy as physical presence. Remote work interactions are structured and mostly transactional - through meetings with a set goal, agenda and attendees; you share your work, check in on status or ask for help. I miss the serendipitous and casual interactions. The water cooler or pantry chats, team lunches, corridor run ins and waves, casual desk drop by, walking 1:1...

I was at a meeting yesterday where we were trying to make a difficult decision. We all had our points to say and passionately expressed them, but did little to acknowledge each others' points or to identify and bridge our differences. We ended up talking past each other . Such meetings aren't very productive, and most people don't feel good or united after them.   In retrospect, we could all have been better listeners and made others felt heard.   Being a good listener means :  You can clearly articulate the other person's point and rationale. Even if they are unclear about and even if you disagree with their point, you try to bring clarity to it.  You understand how they feel about the topic, discussion, people involved, and underlying beliefs.  You can gauge their level of understanding and gaps about other points discussed. When you set this standard of listening and understanding for yourself, you'll pay a lot more attention to what others say and ...

This weekend I attended a Buddhism class where we discussed a couple of questions  - what would you do if you feel safer and how can you make others feel safer. The discussion revealed that nearly all of us felt unsafe and we'd live our lives more happily, generously, and ambitiously if we felt safer. Life is inherently unsafe and conditional. If you don't eat, you die. If you don't stay healthy, you die. If you don't do your job well, you'll be fired. If you aren't useful, others may not help you. If you don't have caretakers as you grow old and dependent, life is going to be tough. So, how do you create more safety for yourself and others in this world? The ultimate trick is to always accept life and the present moment as it happens, with no judgement. Every feeling of worry is because of an internal desire or expectation, and if you end that desire, you end the feeling. This requires a lot of practice - of awareness and renunciation. Find and imm...