We get upset about so many things.
Someone said or did something that hurt you. Your parents, partner, friends, or kids want things from you that you don’t want to give, or they misunderstand you.
Your manager criticized your work. A colleague isn’t cooperating. You didn’t get the promotion you thought you deserved.
Your savings are shrinking and you’re worried about supporting your family. Your body aches in new ways, and you can’t sleep. You lost someone you love.
Your country is divided. The system seems broken, leaders seem corrupt, people seem selfish.
So many flavors of unhappiness, knocking at your door! Some of that pain is real and unavoidable. But the Buddhists talk about two arrows: the first is what happens to you, and the second is what your mind does with it. You can’t always dodge the first. The second arrow is where most of our suffering comes from, and it grows from four roots.
1. Judgment instead of Acceptance
You don’t accept reality as it is. You argue with it. It’s unfair, it shouldn’t be this way, it should be more like someone else’s life.
Why did you have those expectations in the first place?! Why did you think people, your body, and the world would behave the way you want? Who told you life would be all rainbows and butterflies?
Acceptance isn’t approval. You can accept that your job is bad and start looking for a new one. Just don’t judge today, regret it, or deny it.
Life is like an improv show, constantly unfolding. You don’t pick the scene. You decide how to play it.
2. Attachment instead of Openness
You want something, or you’re afraid to lose something, and you’ve decided to be unhappy until it’s settled.
You don’t know why you were born or what life is about. You know you will die and be forgotten. So where do these wants come from? Are they worth the misery?
When a negative emotion shows up, follow it down. Why am I upset? Because I wanted X. Why did I need X? Keep going until you find the attachment you never consciously chose.
You don’t have to become a monk with no wants. Choose a few attachments worth the anxiety they bring, and go with the flow on the rest. Everything is impermanent.
3. Negativity and Hate instead of Optimism and Love
You assume people and situations are worse than they are. You compare, you envy, you assume bad intent. Then you ruminate, act on it, and everything gets worse.
Be radically positive. See the silver lining. Be everyone’s well-wisher. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume malice when it could be misunderstanding, ignorance, or incompetence. Forgive.
That doesn’t mean being naive. Hold your principles, protect yourself, and choose people who share your values. But default to goodwill and accepting the “suchness” or nature of things. It costs you less.
4. Nature instead of Practice
You expect to be happy and balanced by default. You get out of a rut once, feel clear for a week, and assume it’ll last.
It won’t. We are survival machines. Our wiring pulls us toward worry, insecurity, and wanting. Left to our nature, our equilibrium is to be unhappy.
You don’t expect to stay fit without working out. Don’t expect to stay calm without working on your mind. Take care of the basics: sleep, move, eat well, do things you enjoy. Talk to a friend, a coach, or a therapist. Meditate. Reflect. Be intentional about your life philosophy.
You won’t rise above all unhappiness. But you can stop shooting yourself with the second arrow.
You have one life. Cherish and flourish!